What Bugs Me About Twilight

Told from the perspective of a former fan.


I'm not going to lie to you. About four or five years ago before the craze began, I picked up Twilight and found myself wrapped up in Edward and Bella's tortured love affair and fell for Jacob after reading New Moon. I even eagerly waited for the release of Eclipse. But by the time most of you probably even heard the name Edward Cullen, I was already over it. Why? The more people celebrated the phenomenon, the more I realized what everyone considered to be the "best parts" are what bugged me the most.

1. It's hard for me to believe Edward is straight. He's a penis-less pansy whose more sensitive than a little girl. There is no 107-year-old virgin who would pass up the opportunity to have sex with his girlfriend. I don't care if he's the most religious or self-righteous S.O.B. on the planet- that kind of resistance can drive a guy mad. (You can be a "decent" and "respectable" vampire who doesn't like to kill humans and still seem manly- see Stefan Salvatore and Angel as references).
2. Vampires shouldn't glitter. And they shouldn't look so pretty when they feed. Vampires are beasts and should, therefore, look like the monsters that they are.
3. Bella is a feminist's worst nightmare. Actually, scratch that. Taylor Swift is a feminist's worst nightmare, but Bella comes pretty close. What happened to girls kicking ass? Girls standing up for themselves? How about not being so dependent on a sparkly outcast who probably considers polishing his fangs the best way to spend his Friday nights? As I reread the series, it seemed to me like Bella just needs a guy and it's sick. It's like she doesn't have a mind of her own without a boy around. She jumps from Edward to Jacob to Mike to Jacob to Edward. Seriously, girl... There's more to life than boys. It's extremely hard for me to consider Bella an intelligent girl with such behavior.
4. With the exception of the three main characters, every other character seems underdeveloped and two-dimensional. Boring.
5. There's only so much cheesy, redundant romance I can take.
6. The last book of the series, Breaking Dawn, is probably the worst book I've ever read. It seemed like it was written in a rush and it was poorly edited. The fact that it was even published as it was is totally Little, Brown's fault. They should have sent her back that manuscript with the large red letters "N" and "O" stamped right on the front. In the words of Jacob Black himself, it was like a baaaad Gothic comedy or something along those lines.
7. Vampires don't procreate. No. Sorry. Not buying that either. Oh and by the way, why is it only the guys in the book that are still fertile? If Edward can knock someone up, why can't Rosalie pop a few out? Sexist, much?
8. I'm really starting to believe Stephenie Meyer is just a sexist woman.
9. Not only is Bella completely useless as a woman and a human being, but she gets really annoying too. 
10. It seemed like the author tried way too hard to make Bella her. It's like she's living her life vicariously through a fictional character. She should see someone for that. 
11. Everyone claims it's such an "original" storyline. Buffy touched on the topic quite a few times, and The Vampire Diaries were written way back in the '90s.
12. Most importantly... NOW THE VAMPIRE CRAZE WON'T END!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not completely against the Twilight franchise. I just hate seeing it all over the place. I'm grateful it became so popular. I'll admit, without it, my lastest addiction, The Vampire Diaries TV series would not exist. However, I can  say that TVD IS a quality show and unlike Twilight, makes sense. It's no Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but it's safe to say I am hooked. And I never got into True Blood, but it (probably) wouldn't have existed without the crazy franchise either, and I've heard nothing but good things about the program.

Anyway, thanks for putting up with my extremely long rant. Just thought I'd share that with you.